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Shocking: Republicans Want Voters to Show Proof of Heartbeat!

Local Neanderthal-Rights Group Accuses Biden of Hate Speech

Those rascally Republicans are at it again. This time, in states around the country, conservative lawmakers are crafting bills that would require voters actually be alive in order to vote. It is a move very similar to voter suppression schemes adopted in the wake of the Civil War and is sure to set our country back at least 3700 years.

Democrats, who have never complained about election integrity—especially not in 2016—are opposed to any legislation that would inhibit the right of any individual, alive or dead, from voting.

“I reject the very idea that there are only two states of…

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Governor Newsom Opens Schools to Students Ages 5–51/4

NRA Introduces “Love Your Enemy” Handgun

Following the Science

Happy Reading!

Praise Science for science! Without Science who knows how many billions of people would have been killed by the coronavirus. Science kept you from recklessly seeing any other human beings for the last 365 days and it kept you from dying on the bus because you were wearing only one mask.

How else has Science helped slay the virus? I’m glad you asked.

Here are three ways following the Science saved the world.

1. The coronavirus is passed from human to human, but primarily affects those who are older than 65. Because elementary schools are literally teething with old geezers, they…

The National Rifle Association, the organization that has taken it upon itself to make sure the divinely inspired 2nd Amendment is upheld, has a new handgun it is offering all lifelong members. It’s called the “Love Your Enemy” handgun.

“What sets the LYE handgun apart is that it is not only an awesome gun,” commented NRA president Carolyn Meadows, “but it comes with my favorite Bible verse, Matthew 5:44 where Jesus tells his followers to love your enemies, inscribed in beautiful silver letters on the bottom of the gun.”

The gun also features a cross and a handy kill counting…

For the last year parents have been wondering when it would be safe to see their children face-to-face again. After schools shut down and moved to online learning, parents around the country, in an attempt to follow the science decided to do the same locking their children in their rooms and only communicating with them via Zoom.

“We knew that the virus could be passed from human to human,” said Mary Schelling, mother of three ages 2, 5, and 7. “And children are humans too, so we decided to only interact with them via Zoom. It’s been hard.”

Now that…

In a bold move hailed as both heroic and anti-science, California’s beloved governor Gavin Newsom has brokered a deal to open California shcools. While not every school in every county will be opening, the governor has put together an incentive package totalling $ 37 trillion and a sack of In-and-Out burgers to schools that open classrooms for face-to-face learning for students aged 5–5 1/4.

“Obviously, children who are older than 5 1/4 and their teachers are at a greater risk for contracting and spreading COVID-19,” said Newsom in a speech unveiling his groundbreaking solution.

“Science,” added Jill Mattingly, a parent…

Rana Foroohar’s new book, ‘Don’t Be Evil,’ paints an alarming portrait of Silicon Valley tech companies that need to be reined in before they start to affect our lives in even more insidious ways.

In 1998, in an academic paper titled “The Anatomy of a Large-Scale Hypertextual Web Search Engine,” Stanford University students Larry Page and Sergey Brin described how their project, which they had named Google, worked. Until Page and Brin published, their work had been shrouded in secrecy, much to the consternation of the Stanford faculty. …